I’m to a point now where I’m begging that if you can take the time to sign up for the notebook offer, under my referral, you’d be helping me out a great deal. I’m 9 people away from the $1800 I’d be receiving from the offer. This would very easily get me a new monitor and pay off my bills so I can enroll in new courses at school. Once I have the money I’ll send $10 to everyone who completed the last 9 offers for me.

Please Note: Due to recent sign-up changes with nb4f.com users are no longer listed by email address. You now use a USERNAME. Please make sure to email me when you’ve completed an offer, telling me your username. If you do not do this, I will have no way of contacting you about your $10 paypal payment. And sorry, but if I can’t get in touch with you then I can’t pay you. So don’t turn it into a ‘you jipped me’ kind of thing, it’d be your own fault.

If you don’t wish to sign up then every dollar counts.

All donaters/signups will be contacted about lifetime advertising in the 468×60 rotation with AGn Advertising. All you have to do is contact me with your banner information (up to 3 sites ONLY) when you notify me of your payment/referral sign up.

Purchasing: this monitor
Currently Has: $130.00
Needs: $80.00

A HUGE thank you to Christie, Christina, Crys, John, Jordan, Sean, Sheena & Whitney for their donations.

Note: Clients are also considered ‘donations’, not all of the people listed above were straight donations. Work was exchanged.

A HUGE thank you to Amanda for her referral sign up.

I don’t understand how I woke up this morning and knew all of Joe’s passwords and email accounts. Sean said that Joe was telling me everything but I’m just too confused for words at the moment. I got into his gmail account as though he sat here and typed it for me. The password just rolled off my fingers and went from there. I updated his myspace.com account. Not many people on his list are aware of his passing, I also believe that not many of them care.

I have to hand it to him though, even though he knew he was dying he still had his typical player energy going through him. About four girls lined up and the rest went from there. Quite the stinker ain’t he?

In any event, I have a big client to start working on. The freelancer shit might not die out just yet, I picked up a big client for a WordPress template and based on word of mouth – before I’d even STARTED working for this guy, he referred me to two more people. HOT SHIT!

The tulips bloomed this morning, I woke up and the whole vase looked like it grew about 6 inches over night. They’re a nice thing to wake up to considering the shittastic night I had. For some reason when I woke up this morning, something told me to go to Joe’s email accounts and log in. I’d never had the passwords before, so why I knew them today was beyond me. There was nothing really going on in them besides spam email from publishers clearing house and other shit like that. I’m confused though, I still don’t know how I know the passwords. I’m still trying to get onto his myspace account but for some reason every email address I’ve tried has been an invalid one; which I find weird considering I thought I knew them all. Maybe he’ll come to me in a dream and tell me…I don’t know.

Last night I had a very weird dream that him and I were driving along in some huge SUV. All I could think was “I’m sitting next to a driving ghost, how the fuck is this possible?” He didn’t speak, and was wearing the same suit he had on for the wake. I’m even more confused about things now, and I don’t quite understand why. We wound up at another wake, this time it was an old lady who I’d never seen before. I thought at first that it was Joe’s grandmother but she was sitting in the crowd of people crying over the woman in the casket. What really freaked me was the fact that the same old woman was hovering over her own casket looking herself up and down. It really made no sense to me. Joe never said a word, and never looked at me either he was just in the room. Wherever I looked, he was standing there facing to the right. He was stiff though, and his eyes were never open. It was like he was in a standing position without the casket, that’s exactly what he looked like. His arms were crossed to his front. It’s really hard to explain I guess…I just know that I woke up in tears, and I’ve been a basket case all day.

I haven’t been around much, and for good reason. I’m trying to avoid my computer at all costs. The minute I sit down in this chair my stomach begins to act up. All the work that he put into this computer is now eating away at me, I was fine for the last few weeks though…the butterflies are more like boulders bouncing around in my stomach; to the point of nausea. I’m so confused.

My priorities are all fucked up lately, and it’s my own fault. I care more about useless material things than I do about things that should be at the top of my list. I need to bring Bella to the vet for her yearly checkup and what not but I blew through all my money on tattoo’s, random shopping spree’s and preparing for a BBQ this summer that I don’t even think I want anymore. I wanted Joe to be there, I wanted everyone to personally meet the most important person in my life and now it’s just not possible.

I’m hearing different things, from different people. The majority state that Joe’s still with me in spirit and that knowing that should be of some comfort to me, but it’s not. A few have stated that there is no after life so looking forward to death is pointless; which just made me even more uncomfortable. I don’t know what to think, or who to believe. I’m so close to taking out a loan so I can just go talk to that John Edward dude, even though up to this point I’ve been convinced he was a phony.

I can’t get back into the swing of things for work. I tried, but failed miserably. I give up on it though. I no longer wish to freelance, and I no longer want to run AGn-Solutions. I’m thinking of just handing it all over to Tony and have him take care of it. I can’t concentrate anymore. I know for a fact that once I work all of the stuff going on in my head out that I’ll be going back to retail. I could do better than that, I know I could, I just prefer to take the easy route for a change. I don’t care about standing up at a register anymore, I really don’t. Design degrees, or not, it’s not the life I want anymore.

Or I can just void this whole entry and say that it’s just a bad day.

[edit]

He sent me tulips! I heart the bald bastard today haha.
[/edit]

So, for some reason or another, I wound up at Wal-Mart again tonight. I don’t even really like the store; I just like good deals on useless things. I loaded up on some more plates, bowls and cups. I’m officially set for this summers BBQ. The only thing left is the new table which I’ll be purchasing in a few weeks, and then the new gas grill which dad will be purchasing soon as well.

While looking through the isles I came across a new hamper, something I was in desperate need for. My current one, although still in good shape, has a small hole on the side that’s driving me crazy. I also like separating clothes so I figured it’d be a good idea to have more than one for easy sorting. I bought it, it was only like $4 so it’s not like it was a major investment. I came home, popped it open and threw my clothes in it. So now I’ve got two full bags of laundry staring me in the face. I’ll start on that tomorrow though; I really have no choice now. I’ve only got one set of clothes left in my closet and I’ll be wearing them tomorrow after I get out of the shower. So a weekend-o-laundry is on my plate. I guess it’ll keep my mind off things; for some reason folding laundry has that effect on me.

I also intend to start on my essays this weekend. Originally, I kind of made little plans in hopes that Heather and John would come visit me on Saturday. Heather’s too busy though, and that’s fine because I’m sure I’ll see them soon. So, I’ve switched to plan B. Writing two essays, working on about 6 loads of laundry and then spending some much needed R&R time on the couch with Bella.

For some reason, for the last few days Shaun has been bugging me to make sure I was awake early on Saturday morning. I just called him a little while ago and nagged the hell out of him to tell me why. He sent flowers, how sweet! He was like “I owed you a V-Day gift and I know life sucks right now”. He then went on to ask if I could let him go back to sleep because he was really enjoying his dream and he had to wake up for work in a few hours. He promised we’d talk tomorrow and I know that he’s coming to visit me soon. I’m happy now; it brought a smile to my face for the first time in the last few weeks. Sure, I’ve had laughs and giggles because I have dear friends who care about me and want me to be happy again. A gesture like this, however, really means a lot to me. It was also very unexpected considering the source of the gift. He was a great boyfriend, but never this sweet to me in the past. I can honestly say this is the first time I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢ve gotten flowers; I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m touched. I’ll post a picture tomorrow, I don’t know what he sent me but I’m sure they’re beautiful.

In any event, it’s almost 4AM and if I have to be up early to accept his gift then I guess I should head off to bed.

I’ve gotten a few emails telling me that my last post was just, wrong. The thing no one seems to understand is that I’m not saying that no one else is entitled to be upset about Joe’s passing. I would never, ever, dare take that away from anyone. My issue is with those comparing my pain to theirs. Yes, you’re upset; you lost a great friend and I truly understand that. I lost him on a much different level. No, I’m not saying that I’m hurting more than you are but don’t tell me that you know exactly what I’m going through, when you really don’t. You don’t know my relationship with him, or even my connection to him so stop throwing shit in my face for things that you don’t understand, and aren’t of concern to you.

Stick Boy said I was crazy for even thinking about it but, I went out last night and got my second tattoo. The series is complete, so to speak. I designed both arms at the same time and figured they’d be spaced out a bit, but Joe’s dying has got me in the mind set that life on earth is just too short to wait for things that you really want. The Chinese symbol underneath is “Joe”, so even though he can’t be here with me in the physical sense, this is my way of keeping him by my side for the rest of my life, however long it may be.

However, dropping $400 in a week, on tattoo’s no less, wasn’t something I planned. So that really dipped into my laptop fund. That’s okay though, because this was something that I needed a lot more than having the mobile ability I want for work. I know the difference between want and need, and it’s been established that not many people around the ‘net really can grasp that concept. Sure, tattoos are somewhat material but they’re also memorials. I don’t have a large collection of photos of Joe. I have 6 years of memories, AIM conversations from the last couple of years (on this hard drive at least) and a sense of comfort knowing that he’s still with me (in one sense or another). I used to wonder why I stopped myself from deleting certain things, from certain people, off my computer. Joe was always the one who I looked past, knowing that I’d need to see those conversations again. I find myself reading through them on occasion. Just so I can get the same sense that he’s here, they’ve helped me a lot…that’s for sure.

I’m beginning to get back into the swing of things for work. I need to get my head out of the clouds for a little bit and buckle down. Although a lot of my future plans included Joe, I know he’d want me to move on and continue to reach my goals. I do still intend to be moved out of here by the end of the year. I intend to continue with school and pick up degrees in all the fields that interest me. I’m slowly finishing up on my English module (which showed up on Saturday). The multiple-choice is fine, I can knock that out in a few hours; it’s the essay that’s annoying. I knew I’d have to write one. I don’t think anyone can go through school without having to write up some kind of an essay at some point in time, no matter what the course. I just know that once I’m done with all of that I’ll graduate and can then move on to the next level. I gave myself the goal for April and I’ve stuck by it. I’m happy with that, I really am.

After I got my tattoo last night, I did some shopping. I’m not sure how I managed to do it but I dropped $160.00 at Wal-Mart. I got myself some much needed clothes though, so that counts for something; t-shirts, bras, underwear, etc. I’m addicted to “house wares” though; I went out and got a new toaster oven, because we haven’t had one in the longest time. I bought a lot of plates and cups for the BBQ this summer, which I do fully intend to have, there’s just obviously going to be one less person to invite. I even got myself a four pack of ash-trays because I really need one outside. Right now I’ve just got an old coffee can with a little bit of water in it (to avoid sparks). In the summer it REAKS, so the alternative is a good one. I’m back to throwing money into savings though. Although I went through almost half of the money that I had set aside for my laptop, with business going as well as it has been for the last couple of months I’ll have no trouble getting it all back.

My goal is to have it purchased by mid-April/early May; this way when it gets here I’ll be enjoying the sunlight and maybe even getting some kind of a tan. I enjoy being pale, I really do, I just need some ounce of color so I don’t look so sickly. I guess I’m just weak from everything going on this week but I just look so zombie-ish that it’s sparked a concern that I’ll address sooner than later.

Shaun said he’d come up and visit me soon. I haven’t seen him in three years but he knows how important Joe was to me, so he feels it’s only fair that he comes over and spends some time with me. Stick Boy said if he wasn’t working so much he’d truck it from North Carolina if I needed him. And Sean basically said the same thing, only from Delaware. For some reason, knowing that they’d do that for me just relaxes me…I’m not sure why.

In any event, I need to crack down on this homework and finish up on this client so I can finally lay down and just go back to sleep.

Later all