I really don’t want to say it but higher powers have somehow worked their devious magic and Sean and I are no longer together.  Four and a half years of a relationship has now turned to “When are you coming to get your stuff, I can’t look at it anymore”.  Needless to say I’ll be doing some major packing over the course of the next couple of days, and none of it will be mine.  I’m worried about the financial aspect of everything because I’d basically given him AGn Solutions but everything is still being forwarded to my paypal account.  I don’t know if I should just give up the account or what.  My issue with that is that I fully intend to get back into working online, be it through blogging or designing – whichever I can figure out how to accomplish now that I no longer have my Mac or any programs, fonts, ANYTHING.  I’m starting from scratch completely across the board and for someone who’s been out of the loop for so long – this is just going to be one major obstacle after another.  On top of that we have a joint bank account, the cell phones are in my name.  There’s just a lot more shit involved and Sean has decided he’s “done” so now I’m sitting here trying to figure out how to make that as smooth of a transition as possible, but I highly doubt it’s going to be.  There’s no possible way to walk away from every aspect of your life and start fresh.  Especially when you’re in the same place and while he’s not, but all of his stuff is still here.

I don’t know where I’m going from here.  I’ve realized over the course of the past few days that there are a lot of aspects of my life that were never dealt with due to my jumping into things so quickly.  I realize now that the reason I have gone drastically down hill over the course of the past few months was due to the fact that my brain was telling me to ‘hold up, wait a minute, deal with your shit right now’.   I’m not over the major mistake made when I was a teenager, I’m not over Joe or Lucy for that matter either.  I never actually went through a grieving period for anything, I just kept jumping from one thing to the next to keep my mind off of things.  Now is the chance for me to 100% focus on everything without having any outside influence.  The next couple of weeks are going to be an extremely wild ride for me physically and emotionally.  And to top it all off, I have to deal with the fact that for the first time in 10 years, I’m alone for Christmas. 

So things between Sean and I have gone down hill and we’ve decided to take a break to figure things out. I don’t know what the next couple of weeks are going to bring. Its either going to be a situation of both of us wanting to move on with our lives individually or move ahead with eachother. Its really up in the air right now but its equally painful for both of us. Im hopeful that things will work out but who knows what the universe has in store for us.

There’s alot that I’ve needed to work on for quite some time now and I believe this is the opportunity I need to begin getting myself in order. I need to get everything figured out with finances and school. I also need to figure out what path im even on in my life and which obstacles are in my way so I conquer them.  I would have liked to do everything with Sean by my side but I also need to be on my own for a while as this is something I haven’t done for the last ten years of my life. Im 26, working a dead end job and trying my hardest to accomplish my goals interally even though I have no physical or emotional strength to deal with it all at this moment in time. I can day dream all I want but the act of accomplishing is more rewarding. So I guess its time to truly see what I’m capable of.

I don’t like this change in weather. Its seriously got my system completely out of wack. Its hard to concentrate and stay on top of everything at work and everything outside of work is pure chaos at this moment in time. I just can’t wait for the damn weekend to start and have to wait three days to get there. So unfair!

I’m havin trouble finding another job cause trying to get onto any freelance contract these days is like pullin teeth for me being as I’ve been out of practice for so long. I don’t know what to do anymore. I just need things to start making sense again and unfortunately I don’t see that happening anytime soon. I need a major mental break. Or a really long nap!