It’s getting harder and harder for me to focus lately, and I have no idea why. I’ve been semi-OK about keeping things on the up and up around the house, I’m meeting the deadlines that are set for work, but for some reason actually getting the drive to start/finish necessary projects is just not an option. I feel like the closer I get to 30, the more I lose my drive. And at this point that’s happening within the next 30 days so I feel like it’s all down hill from here. For the past two months I’ve been looking at the supplies to get the hall bath remodeled but haven’t touched them even though I remind myself about it daily.
I don’t necessarily think it’s a mental thing, to a degree I feel it’s physical. Every time I actually do have the urge to do something, I’m being held back by something else. The biggest thing lately is my teeth. I still haven’t gotten that tooth removed and it flares up at the most random times, and even today I’m dealing with a little tinge of pain on a completely different tooth. Things have just been so tight with money this month thanks to the $800 we threw into the car to keep it on the road that our priorities are just screwed up.
I really think, above all else, I’m just overwhelmed in general. I know I continue to harp on it, but I really feel like we got screwed on this house. We’ve sunken so much into just the general maintenance that was long over due that we don’t have the strength or finances to get to the “Make this house Our Home” part of homeownership. We’re making due, but it’s just frustrating to be rebuilding doors that were rotted out and hidden by paint, or pulling up carpeting that was moldy because of the furnace leaking but the previous owners “covered” it with bleach and didn’t properly treat anything. It seems that whenever we’re making a decent stride towards something, we have to go three steps back.
To make matters worse, my hairs falling out. And it’s not the over-dramatic “I’m ripping it out of my head” bullshit. It’s legitimately falling out of my head. The chlorine levels in the public water are so high that it’s turning the basement toilet red, and my scalp no longer can hold the hair follicle. However, I’ve also been doing some research into things lately and need to not only see a dentist, but a doctor. When looking into the symptoms I’ve been experiencing lately, I’m a fairly good fit for Hypothyroidism. Obviously I would need to be tested to determine if I was Hypo or Hyper, but comparing side by side, I’m more on the Hypo side of the spectrum. Hair loss, chronic fatigue, irregular period, hair loss, anxiety, .. it all fits.
I’m not a hypochondriac, I’m not someone who gets heartburn and thinks I’m having a heart attack. I know my usual aches and pains, the bulk of which come from just not taking care of myself. In the last year, however, things have just changed for me and not necessarily for the better.
The biggest issue: I live in Delaware. This is quite possibly the worst state to live in when you need medical attention. I’d have to travel into Maryland to speak to someone who actually has a brain. Am I discrediting ALL doctors in DE? No, of course not. BUT for the ones I need to see, having been in their offices in the past with someone else, I’d rather jump off a bridge than have them treat me. Their investigative process is laughable, and the diagnosis based on investigation is asinine. When you’re sitting in an office with a doctor that says “It’s just a headache, it’ll go away” and then winding up in the surgical ward because a retina was detaching… you learn to just not trust anymore. Or when you’re experiencing heart palpitations and they want to put you on different meds when in reality there’s a small tumor behind your heart that is Stage 3 lung cancer. The misdiagnosis and absence of a damn brain are the top 2 reasons to avoid the medical staff here.
On the Thyroid front – I’m wanting to do more research into things myself, this way I know exactly what I’m getting myself into and what can be done to treat it without having to be hopped up on drugs, that’s the one major downside to an actual diagnosis. I don’t even like taking aspirin, why would I want to take some random drug that was created in a lab that probably has numerous lawsuits pending against it.
I don’t know. I just don’t know.