I went to the wake on Friday evening. After hesitating to go in, I walked into the funeral home and saw his name up on the wall. It was just then beginning to hit me that all of this was very, very real. I turn the corner to see everyone facing forward, so I peaked around, saw his face, and then took a v-line to the door to go back outside.

Alicia helped me calm down a bit and then we walked back in and sat all the way at the back of the room. I could still see him but going up to him was going to be the hardest part for me. His brother came back to us, then a few of his friends, followed by his grandmother. She recognized exactly who I was, which I found a little weird considering I hadn’t seen her in about two years. But considering Joe and I saw each other so frequently she got used to my face after a while and it stuck in her head. At least that’s what I’m going to assume. She looked so fragile, I know she’s been sick lately but I’d just felt really bad for her because of how exhausted she was, physically and mentally.

Up near his coffin there were two big boards filled with his pictures. It was kind of like a visual time line from his smallest baby picture, to one of the more recent ones before his death (probably only a few weeks). They all really hit you with the fact that a 24 year old man, who didn’t deserve ANY of what he was dealt, is no longer here.

Joe was an addict when it came to Coca-Cola and Curve cologne. Next to his coffin there was a little table that had a half a bottle of coke, his cologne and other things that were around his room that he used regularly. I’m surprised his computer wasn’t sitting there considering that was like his lifeline/answering machine.

When I did finally get the strength to go up there, I couldn’t kneel for long. I looked right at as his face and was kind of saying “Okay, get up now…the joke is over.” He didn’t move, and it just wasn’t him. They covered him in so much make up that he looked like plastic. His hands were usually scratched up from his evil cat – those were caked in make up as well.

There was a rosary wrapped around his hands, and this really bothered me. He wasn’t a religious person at all. To the point that he knew if he stepped foot into a church it would burn down. During my earlier conversation with his grandmother, she noted how every time she walked passed the coffin she would apologize to him for them putting it on his hands, I found it really calming for some reason and I’m not sure why.

The funeral was early Saturday morning. I had gotten a late start, and then we got lost. First we went too far east, then too far south, and then when we finally found the church they were just ending and would soon be bringing him out to the hurse. When he finally did appear, I noticed no flowers on the coffin and no cars ready to follow. After asking a few people, we got a hold of his ex-girlfriend Natalie and she said that he was going to be cremated.

After talking to Alicia’s boyfriend last night, I became aware of the fact that cremation happens right after the wake. So there’s a chance that he wasn’t even IN the coffin. So now I have absolutely no final good bye, no where to go if I ever just need to sit and stare at his name; nothing. It’s bothering the hell out of me, because now that Joe is gone I’ve turned into a schizoid. I spend the bulk of the day talking to myself as though he’s in the room; Questions where I would already know his answers, I’ll just answer myself right back. Ale had told me today that it’s just a natural thing in this situation but I still feel as though I’m just a useless mental case.

I’ve always been very strong when it comes to dealing with life. I brush everything off my shoulders and can honestly say that 99% of the time if I don’t know you (or want to know you), I don’t give a flying fuck about you or your opinions. There are very few people on Earth that I can truly count on for advice, Joe being one of them.

I’m no longer angry with him; his time was cut short because his body was weak (no matter how strong of a person he was). As Sean has said, it was just a shell; and yes, he’s right about that but it’s a shell that I wasn’t ready to move away from yet. The other day John said I really believe that we see the people that leave us again, when it’s our turn to leave. The problem I’m having with that statement is I’ve seen Joe every single night in my dreams. If I catch a reflection the wrong way I can almost see him sitting on the couch in his usual position. This really was his second home, something he said on numerous occasions. Does this mean it’s my turn or, does it mean that he hasn’t left my side? I don’t understand it.

My anger has shifted though, mainly towards others but it?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s not intentional. I’ve spoken to a lot of people over the last week. People I’ve known for a while, people I’ve never met before, and everyone in between. They’ve all had the same thing to say to me. “I know exactly what you’re going through, I’ve been there before.” -or- “I’m feeling the same way you are“. All I can really think as a response is:

NO THE FUCK YOU DON’T!

Yes, I understand people are upset by this or have been in a similar situation where a friend or a member of their family has died. You, however, don’t know MY pain, you don’t know MY history with him, you don’t know MY relationship with him, you don’t know what I lost now that he’s gone. Sure, you’ve lost a great friend. Joe was a great friend to anyone he felt was worthy of that kind of a relationship. I lost a best friend, a lover, a MUTUAL soul mate, and the only reason I’ve remained alive for the last 6 years. So don’t fucking sit there and compare my pain to yours, and visa versa. It will NEVER be on the same level.

I’ve spoken to a few different girls this week whom were all convinced that they and Joe would be dating at some point in the near future. He’s made it ABUNDANTLY clear for the past TWO MONTHS that he was going to die single. He had his mind set on that, so hearing the conversations from these girls I’m sitting there thinking “Why would you make a statement like that knowing that he can’t defend it?”

I don’t understand people, this is proof that I most likely never will. It’s very annoying to me that someone can actually say something like that, to me of all people. What the fuck are you smoking when you make a statement like that to someone who was noted numerous times as someone?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s BEST FRIEND?! If any of that information was even remotely true, I would have known about it. Do you seriously think that him ALMOST dating you is something that he wouldn’t have told me? COME ON!

I decided to go ahead and take everything down for a little while. I have no intent on doing anything with this domain, until further notice at least. In all honesty, I don’t know if I even want to come back.

Joe’s death is a major wakeup call. I truly thought he’d be the one person who’d be in my life forever. Tomorrow is the wake, Saturday is the funeral, and after that I’ll probably have myself locked away in my room until I can completely process everything.

This situation has hit me hard, harder than I thought it would and I know that this is only the beginning. I truly believe that the moment I see his pale lifeless face that I’ll break down worse than I have in the last few days. Alicia’s been my main support since Tuesday night. I think we’ve spent more time together in the last two days then we had in the last six months. She’s known for the past week or so that I was going to eventually get another tattoo. Yesterday just felt right for some reason. I went with my shamrocks, but added a Chinese symbol to it. It’s the symbol for “Dragon” the same one Joe had on his shoulder. This way I always have a constant reminder of him. I’m not going to be one of those people that say?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s “I’ll remember you forever” then in six months forget the persons name. Joe means a lot more to me than anyone else and his not being here anymore is kind of like someone chopping my legs off. I just don’t feel whole anymore.

I’m not going to be corny and say “He completes me” because that’s stupid Hollywood shit that doesn’t really happen. He was a huge part of my life, though. I had a bond with him that I’ll never have with anyone else and that scares me. I don’t scare easily, I don’t break down easily. It takes a lot to get me upset about something and this proves it. I sat in that chair last night getting my tattoo and I didn’t wince, cringe, shed a tear or even shudder for a moment. It was like I didn’t even feel it because I was already numb to begin with. I don’t particularly like that feeling, at all.

Shaun, Sean, Heather, John, and Stick Boy have also been there for me. They’ve allowed me to rant excessively because they understand that if I keep talking I’ll eventually calm myself down. I can’t watch TV without thinking about him, and it’s really pathetic but it’s true. He had his handful of favorite shows that he watched daily while he was doing his homework. I found myself browsing through them today thinking “Damn, he should see this” knowing that he probably already has.

I’m not even sure if I want to go ahead and redo my patio because he was truly the reason for me doing it in the first place. He was going to be up here all summer with me so we could be each others company while we were working outside. Now I don’t have that, and it just feels weird.

I guess I’m still in denial. I’m still convinced this is all a dream and when I wake up tomorrow he’ll be knocking on my door. I’m fully aware of the fact that that isn’t the case though. I’ve been through every emotion I could possibly go through and I don’t think I’m done. I want to be content with life again. This is a big bump in the road, and I know it’ll take time to move on…I just don’t understand it.

I’m the kind of person that needs to know the meaning behind everything. In order for me to process something completely there can be no unanswered questions. This entire situation is an unanswered question so I really don’t know how to go about processing it. I’ve found myself sitting here at night, just talking to myself as if he was in the room. I know it all sounds pathetic, but that’s just how I’ve been for the last two days. I got to the point of almost screaming at him to show himself just to let me know he was by my side, and to just answer the questions I had for him. I know it would never happen but for some reason it had a calming affect on me.

Dreaming has been equally as difficult. He’s shown up a few times but I could never seem to get any questions answered. And for some reason, his face is only there for a few moments, and then I’m talking to the back of his head for the rest of it. I know there was a hug thrown in there at some point and I just woke up hysterical.

I want to get over this.

On March 7th, 2006 at 8:31pm I received a phone call from Joe’s father. I was told to sit sit down, and then told that he had some very bad news. Joe has passed away. After 3 hours of letting it stir in my mind, I called his house – just hoping that someone played a cruel joke…it was true. He was 24 years old. They believe it was his sleep apnea because he wasn’t wearing his mask to bed. When you stop breathing at night, eventually it kicks back in but for now (until the toxicology report is completed) they believe he just stopped breathing and never restarted. It took me a few minutes to realize it was true, but I’ve been a basket case ever since.

Joe was more than my best friend and has been for the past 5-6 years. I remember the day we met, I remember all of the shit we went through, and I remember every little fight and every little detail. I keep seeing his face and just wanting to punch something, but my hands are already raw from hitting any and everything I could find. I can’t handle the pain right now. Yes, I’ve lost people before, and death is never an easy thing. I knew Joe was dying, everyone knew it, I just thought I would have had a few more months with him. I can’t handle this, it’s just too real.

I don’t understand why he had to die yesterday. I don’t understand if he KNEW he was going to die. He brought back his MySpace account, and for some reason this poem was one of his images. I don’t know who the guy was, but something tells me that’s not what Joe was focusing on. His myspace title was “I’m back, for now at least…”. and for the past few days before his death he made amends with ‘enemies’.

His profile – I’m dying…literally. My doc misdiagnosed me, put me on meds that I didn’t need to be on, she didn’t follow all the precautions when prescribing the meds and didn’t do the required blood tests. As such, my liver is fucked up beyond all help and as such, I either need a liver transplant or I need to plan my funeral. I’ll probably just plan for the funeral. :-.. …I don’t fear death and in all actuality, I look forward to it. I”m gonna go to hell and prepare for the rest of ya’s to go there and then I can extract my revenge. 😀

A small part of me believes he committed suicide, but I also think that he’d never give anyone that kind of satisfaction…at least I’d hope. I’m so mad at him for leaving me it’s crippling. I can’t eat, I’ve just barely had two hours of sleep and even those weren’t solid hours, smoking makes me sick and staring at the ceiling is the only thing I can seem to concentrate on.

I have no intent on being around for a while. I’ve already emailed Tony and told him to run things for a while. I don’t see myself posting anytime soon. I’m not going to say this is a ‘hiatus’ message. It’s more like a ‘hold on’ until I’m ready to come back. Looking at this computer, knowing all of the work that he put into building it, is reason enough for me to just sit outside and avoid everyone and everything. This whole apartment is filled with memories. I couldn’t even lay in my own bed without thinking of all the times I fell asleep in his arms.

He’s one of the very few people in my life who proved himself worthy, and now he’s gone. We had a bond I’ll never get with anyone else, and just that alone is killing me inside. I feel so alone, so vulnerable; the two feelings I hate the most in life. I know I have dear friends who care about me, and I believe based on this alone I just won’t take that for granted anymore. But, as much as I love my friends…Joe was that one special one that I know I can’t function without.

The next couple of weeks/months/years are going to be extremely hard on me. I don’t even know any details yet about any arrangements but I can assure you the wake is going to be the hardest part for me. I know if I see his face I’m going to wind up breaking down, worse than I’ve been for the last 10 hours.

This just really isn’t fair. I don’t know what to do, or how to feel. I don’t even know why I’m up at 6:45 in the morning blogging about it, of all fucking stupid and useless things to do. I just needed some kind of an outlet. And it’s killing me because usually in situations like these – he’s the one I go to.

Who do I go to now?